Once upon a time, well actually not long ago there was a defence lawyer who became the chief lawyer in the country. He loved being the chief lawyer and never wanted to give it up, but unfortunately things weren’t going well for him. Lots of people criticised him because he hadn’t been prosecuting enough people (even though he was a defence lawyer). Others criticised him for not defending enough people from prosecution. One man in particular was snapping at his heels like a Yorkshire terrier.
He really didn’t want to lose his job but became afraid it would happen if he didn’t make a grand gesture. Then an idea came to him. He found a man – just an ordinary man, who was neither good nor bad, not very popular with others, but making a reasonable living – and persuaded the authorities to charge him with a crime. Not just any crime. The crime was a very serious one. The man was accused of murder. And the punishment for murder was death – a long slow lingering death to reflect the seriousness of the crime.
Now the defence lawyer knew the man was innocent. Of course he was innocent! It was obvious to everyone. But the defence lawyer believed that if he represented the man and won his case this would provide the grand gesture needed to save his job. Everyone knew he would be found innocent, but the defence lawyer felt it would be enough to show people he was the best man for the job.
As soon as the man was charged a group formed in order to ensure the man was found guilty. Why did they do this? Well, they too were lawyers and realised they could get a lot of fame if they won the case. A leader emerged, though no-one quite knew where he came from or why anyone would listen to him and was made Chief Prosecutor. He believed everyone on trial should be found guilty and sentenced to death, whatever the charge. The man who was like a Yorkshire terrier was asked if he agreed the man was innocent or guilty. Now the man who was like a Yorkshire terrier knew that as a lawyer he should only give an opinion based on the facts of the case, but he really wanted to be the Chief Lawyer in the country. He dithered for some time over right and wrong, then abandoned that and plumped for the prosecution’s side because he saw that he might realise his ambition.
The man wasn’t worried. He knew he was innocent and the Defence Lawyer assured him he would be found innocent. How could it possibly go any other way? So finally the court day came. Now, in court we all know the truth and the whole truth is told. However, on this occasion not only did the prosecution lie, but so did the defence. In fact so many lies were told that the jury started to believe black was white and white was black. It’s not that the jury were stupid, but the trial was so complicated and long-winded it was impossible to work out what was true and what was lies. Then, finally, the prosecution promised to give the jury £350 million if they found the man guilty. Of course this should have been stamped on and disregarded. But as the Chief Lawyer in the country was also the Defence Lawyer, and as he too was telling lies, no-one believed him when he said this was a lie, that in fact the jury wouldn’t get a penny, in fact would be considerably worse off if the man was executed.
The verdict came. There were 17 votes in favour of finding the man guilty and 16 in favour of finding the man innocent – did I mention there were 33 jurors? Now common sense would tell everyone that there should be a much higher guilty vote to get a man convicted and sentenced to death, but that was the system and they were sticking to it, however crazy it was.
So the man was found guilty. He couldn’t believe it! The defence lawyer couldn’t believe it! Their supporters couldn’t believe it! The Jurors who voted him innocent couldn’t believe it. In fact if they were honest, the jurors who voted him guilty couldn’t believe it. But there it was. That was the democratic vote.
The judge put his black cap on and passed sentence according to law 50 – sometimes called article 50, though no-one knows why – that demanded the death of the man. Those who had called for a guilty verdict were jubilant. They partied all night and all the next day, singing songs like – What did we want? Death to the man. Why do we want it? We don’t know, but we’re sure it’s a really good idea. The man who is like a Yorkshire terrier was over the moon. Now at last was his chance to become Chief Lawyer of the country.
The Defence Lawyer – remember he was the Chief Lawyer of the country – tried to put a brave face on it. He pretended he was pleased because this was the will of the democratic jury. But inside he knew it was all his fault. He should never have got the man charged in the first place. Those who had supported an innocent verdict were furious with him and those who had supported a guilty verdict went round saying ‘told you so!’ Everyone called on him to resign. The man begged him to stay and fight for him, but the Defence Lawyer cowardly crept away and was never heard of again, that is until he wrote a very boring book which revealed all the secrets of the legal profession. He never said ‘sorry’ to the man.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a lady lawyer appeared and got the chief Lawyer of the country job by belting the man who was like a Yorkshire terrier with her handbag. The man who was like a Yorkshire terrier now turned into a cocker spaniel with big googly eyes and big drooping ears. Actually there was always something of the cocker spaniel about him.
But at this point a problem appeared. The trouble was, although all these lawyers wanted the death sentence passed on the man, the truth was they had no idea how to carry it out. Lots of suggestions were made. Most of them were far too complicated for anyone – even the lawyers – to understand. Some people wanted it done painlessly – a soft death – and some wanted it to be brutal – a hard death. The new Chief Lawyer of the Country kept putting suggestions to the lawyers – such as using ninja turtles or power rangers, but the lawyers had to keep pointing out that these ideas were really not realistic. Some of her ideas may have been sensible, but because no-one understood them and all the lawyers were fed up with her they refused them out of principle. One of the sticking points was how to stop people rescuing the man through the back entrance before the sentence was carried out – they kept calling out ‘back stop!’ and giving solutions that no-one understood, not even the people giving them.
At one point a foreigner – yes, a foreigner! – made a very controversial statement. He said there must be a special place in hell reserved for those who had found the man guilty with no idea how they were going to carry out the sentence. Luckily, as he was a foreigner, no-one took any notice. The man meanwhile was so relieved every time the Chief Lawyer of the country’s ideas were turned down. He knew the carrying out of the death sentence was probably inevitable, but every time the lawyers refused an idea it gave him a glimmer of hope.
Eventually the new Chief Lawyer of the country got tired of her suggestions being turned down and being mocked and insulted and she bid everyone a tearful farewell and ran off into a wheat field. The man who was now a Cocker spaniel turned back into a Yorkshire terrier. He was so excited. He started doing cartwheels and smiling boyishly at everyone who looked at him. Of course they let him be Chief Lawyer of the country. They couldn’t bear the sad, cocker spaniel look. They couldn’t bear the Yorkshire terrier look either, but said it was preferable. Besides he promised to sort out the vexed question of how to put the man to death. In fact he was so confident he promised it would be carried out by 31st October. Of course he did lie in court, so maybe he just said that to get the job of the Chief Lawyer of the country. The man who was like a Yorkshire terrier decided the easiest thing would be to sack all the lawyers and persuaded the President of the society of lawyers to do this. However the courts didn’t like the idea of there only being one lawyer in the land and told him this was against the law. He said he would accept the judgement, but he sulked for days and refused to sign any birthday cards from then on.
The man who was like a Yorkshire terrier said that the death penalty would be carried out on the 31st October, even if he had to use a blunt kitchen knife with no guarantee of it working. He even said he was going to cut off his own nose because he was so fed up with seeing his own cross face. The lawyers insisted he couldn’t use a blunt kitchen knife with no guarantee of it working, because not only was it a stupid idea, but it was inhumane. They passed a resolution stopping him doing that and insisted he wrote to all the foreigners to tell them he wasn’t going to do that. He did so but he couldn’t sign the letter as by now he had forgotten how to sign his name.
He marched into the assembly of lawyers with a new suggestion. No-one noticed that his suggestion was exactly the same as the previous chief lawyer’s, so they said ok, but not on 31st October, that being Halloween and they wanted to go trick or treating. In fact there were things that needed to be sorted out before it could happen. The man under sentence of death was once again relieved, but knew the inevitable was coming. The man who was like a Yorkshire terrier insisted it would go ahead on the 31st. The lawyers said it wouldn’t. He said it would and they sat and argued for days.
So, what happened in the end? I don’t know. This is as far as we’ve got. Like the man, I still have a sliver of hope, but know the worst is probably inevitable. Maybe I’ll finish the story some time. Maybe I won’t.
Short stories 